


In the Time of Need

by Issay



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Wolverine (Movies), X-Men (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky-centric, Character Study, Crossover, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Torture, Post-CA:TWS, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, canonical pairings - Freeform, crossover with comic book canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 20:18:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1701206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Issay/pseuds/Issay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky and Steve. Steve and Bucky. Before and after everything changed - or maybe some things stayed unchanged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Time of Need

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is one of those post-CA:TWS stories that are more character-centric than action-packed. Sorry.
> 
> The quote inside the story means change from “then” to “now”.

“ _Where to yet? This shadow stands in me_  
 _like an eternal icon of my ruin_  
 _the shield rusts and bitter grows the earth_  
 _under my double-edged musing._  
 _Ah, for I am the sword of all injustice,_  
 _through my hands stretched out in sleep_  
 _sins wander like silent snakes_  
 _and spout through my fingers as songs._  
 _And that which I touch is covered by a tear,_  
 _as by dew, only so salty,_  
 _so that not with my fist, but earth entire,_  
 _I beat my breast whose trespasses are never forgiven._  
 _Oh, how to forgive indeed, as man has forgotten_  
 _his voice speaking in godly idiom.”_

He is still just a boy when he enlists.  
James never actually gave much thought to this strange war in Europe, covered quite well by newspapers and radio. And sure, he discussed with Steve Poland's heroic resistance (they had a wager. Bucky gave it two weeks. They survived an entire month) and Hitler's politics but this gloomy days of war were so, so far away from sunny New York. Things couldn't be that bad, could they? Things would settle after few months, maybe a year of war.  
Gravity of the situation hits him when he is standing in an enlisting point, awaiting his examination. There are others like him - men from his generation, who tasted hunger of the Great Depression and who were marching to not their war with bitter smiles. In decades to come they will call them "the greatest generation" but back then Bucky thought that they were the lost generation. Those who lived their lives in cold and desperate economically times, who survived hunger and hopelessness only to die in mud somewhere in Europe.  
He says it out loud and immediately regrets it.  
"We are not the ones who are lost, my friend," says a man standing behind him in the line. Bucky turns around to look at him - he is bald, thin and about forty years old. "My brothers in Europe are dying in ghettos and concentration camps, they die of illnesses, fire, hunger, bullets and lack of hope. We're the ones who get to bring them hope and save them. And if we die..." he smiles strangely. "It's a reason better than any political gibberish."  
Later Bucky learns that this man's name is Shlomo.  
Shlomo dies somewhere in France.

*

First time he is in the line of fire they are in Ardennes and he is scared shitless.  
It's the noise. People screaming, guns firing, earth shattered by grenades and mortars. Smell of smoke, blood and burned ground. Bucky hates literally every single minute of it. For a moment - one moment he's particularly not proud of, let's add - he wishes he had never enlisted. He should have stayed at home, take care of Steve who usually gets sick in late fall and doesn't stop coughing until at least late April. He could spend Christmas with people he likes, he could be clean and not stinking of truly nameless things. He could be safe.  
But safe is not an option anymore, he reminds himself and reloads his gun. Superior officer during his training caught Bucky's sniper eye (he was always good with taking a shot at a moving target and it seems that shooting people isn't all that different than mechanically moving target shields) so in the real life fight he ends up alone, with no back up (because he was the back up), perched on a big rock.  
Which is exactly why he gets caught.

  
*

  
He has no bloody idea why they weren't killed yet. They've been split up, most of the soldiers taken away to work. But some, maybe twenty, him included, were taken to laboratories in locked in separate cells. They can't see each other - but they can hear. Two brothers who fought with him side by side, Creed and Howlett (strange fellows, if you ask him) shouted to each other. It took seven guards to beat Creed up to the state in which he couldn't speak anymore.  
He has only a foggy memory of what has been done to him. Things he can remember are pretty awful - things stuffed into open wounds, cotton in his mouth so he wouldn't scream in pain, injections into muscles and burned skin from substances they have been testing on him. When he was being dragged back to his cell he managed to do a quick headcount. There were only six of them left. The rest of previously occupied cells was empty.  
Once again he thought of home. Of Steve's futile (he hoped) attempts to enroll - idiot, he wouldn't survive week in this hell. Of the cold, shabby apartment they have shared and hot tea that always waited for him in the kitchen when Steve was finishing his illustration for another on-the-side order. They needed the money and Bucky's work at the shipyard didn't give much. He felt guilty for leaving Steve like that, having to fend for himself. But that is life and those are the times - he can only hope that his best friend isn't going to do anything incredibly stupid.  
Futile hope, apparently. That's what he thought when he was strapped to a table, ready to be killed - and then he sees a familiar and yet so changed face.  
And everything is better.

*

He doesn't really ask Steve what happened when he himself was in Europe fighting a war. Bucky simply stares at his friend - now Steve-slash-Captain America is actually taller than him and it slightly bothers James - and suddenly feels how tired he is. Not only from marching towards the camp and being experimented on before. Rather from all that awful war, war that made even people like Steve - good, sweet guys who shouldn't see carcasses ripped to pieces by bombs and little children shot to death by German troops just because their eyes were 'shaped like Jewish'. Neighbors denouncing neighbors, friends turning on friends.  
"War has to change us all, I suppose," he mutters instead and pretends that he doesn't see Steve's questioning look. It would feel wrong and awkward, telling his best friend that he simply wanted him protected from hell that this war is and that he wanted him unchanged, so at least one thing would seem familiar after the end of this nightmare. Steve was home for Bucky: even when they slept in a ratty apartment with damp walls and dirty windows, Steve was with him. He became what James associated with home.  
So for now his home was in a small tent in the very muddy middle of nowhere, serving his country and very likely to be shot in the process.

*

Even though Bucky deep in his heart is against Steve serving, they have some marvelous times hunting Nazis from HYDRA. It's fun, fighting arm in arm - a lot better than bloody Ardennes, he has to admit. And with great people, not like those creepy brothers that were among the soldiers jailed in that factory with him.  
The Train Mission, as they named it, doesn't seem to be much more difficult than storming HYDRA compounds, factories and safe houses. Yea, sure, moving target, but less soldiers. At least in theory because in reality... Oh, well.  
That bitch called 'reality' hits Bucky when he's clinging to that piece of metal outside the safe insides of the cart and sees fear in Steve's eyes. Steve is never afraid. Not when people are shooting at him, he wasn't afraid to undergo an experimental treatment, he even was so, so brave when he had pneumonia couple of years before and that moron of a doctor told James that it's very unlikely that his friend will make it. And all those bullies in the back alleys? God!  
Steve is never afraid. Then why is he now?  
With that thought, Bucky falls.

*

In the air he was sure that he was going to die. And he made peace with it - it was a long fall, after all. So instead he closed his eyes, saving Steve's image underneath his eyelids.  
When he wakes up, he's surprised. He's in a small, cramped space made entirely of ice, his left arm stuck in a something that looks like a vertical crack in the wall and he realizes that he's inside a crevasse. Well, he thinks. That's a really terrible way to die. Then Bucky tries freeing his arm but it won't even budge - so he makes his peace with that, too. Maybe Steve will come back for him. But if not, that's ok. His head is getting heavy and it's hard to keep his eyes open so he closes them. Just for a little while... so his eyes can rest...  
He falls asleep.

*

Searing pain in his left arm. Strange, only in the arm and then everything is fine, his head feels like stuffed with something really soft.  
Voices. Hushed voices in some strange language he doesn't know.  
Cold hand on his forehead, for some reason he thinks it's Steve - after all Bucky had done it so many times for him.  
Moving, he's moving - or maybe he's in something that is moving? They saved him. They had to. He knew Steve would come back for him.  
Why are they speaking in Russian?

*

When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees are faces of people in white laboratory coats - scientists, like the ones HYDRA had, and he feels the need to strange someone. Because he's back, again, in some underground facility, strapped to a table. So he does. Before he realizes it, his left hand - new, metallic hand with a red star on his arm to remind of whom he serves now, apparently - closes itself on some man's throat. And it feels so, so good - but Steve wouldn't approve, would he? But...who is Steve?  
It doesn't matter.

“ _And where I step, under my foot cracks_  
 _the last stone, and beyond darkness only,_  
 _and I'm like the first man after the flood._  
 _who did wrong. So then above me_  
 _there is also no flash and my palm is void_  
 _as if the cross were removed and cleaver inserted,_  
 _and I'm the soul of sadness traversing bodies,_  
 _and I'm alone and earth's dull resistance.”_

After all is said and done - helicarriers are still mostly in pieces drowned in Potomac river, SHIELD is officially done and Stark pulls Barton out of an assignment in some unspeakable, more than classified place - Steve is transferred from the hospital to Avengers Tower. Sam goes with him, apparently invited by Tony. Something about fly boys having to stick together.  
Tower is in a flurry of activity when Steve, Natasha and Sam finally get there. Everything in centered around big community area on one of the upper floors. Pepper is doing something that looks like preparing an official statement but she welcomes them with a warm smile and a comment that their apartments (he should have known, Stark doesn't have guest rooms - he has guest apartments) are ready. Bruce sends them a smile over his steaming cup of tea.  
"It's good to see you all," he says. Sam later has some trouble believing that this guy actually is the Hulk. Banner tends to have this effect on people.  
Steve watches Natasha hug Clint and excuses himself. Answering worried looks he tells them he's tired and it's not all lie - two days before his stomach was in pieces and it took a lot of energy to mend it along with broken bones and countless lacerations, bruises and burns. So he goes to his apartment and politely asks JARVIS not to interrupt him unless there's an emergency and he's needed. Sure, he really is tired but the truth is - he had no time to process what happened. After everything that happened he was never alone - Sam, Natasha or both of them were constantly with him. And he needs to be alone with himself for a little while because he fears that if he thinks about Bucky, he'll break down. And in the times of need, Captain America has to be strong.  
His brain is screaming at him.  
He remembers everything about Bucky. First time they have met - they were in one orphanage, just those little boys, a bully wanted to take Steve's lunch (nothing much but times were tough) and Bucky simply appeared between that boy's fist and Steve's belly. He remembers how his friend held him after his momma died and how they talked about war in Europe, that strange war so far away from them. Steve thinks there was a wager involved, something he wasn't really proud of. He remembers how he first saw Bucky in a uniform and this dreadful, cold feeling in his stomach. He remembers checking lists of dead and wounded, remembers going to Bucky's foster parents' house every Sunday after church, afraid that they have received the letter.  
Steve's brain simply can't shut up, overloaded with details and memories.  
He remembers finding him in that bloody HYDRA camp, strapped to a table and visibly tortured - pale, feverish and not recognizing Steve for a long moment.  
He remembers how Bucky fell. His scream still lingers in the air.  
Steve puts his arm through a bedroom wall, barely noticing it.  
They have presumed Bucky dead. They have mourned him and drunk to his name, they have cried and told stories. They haven't bothered to check. Steve feels nauseous when he thinks about his best friend buried in the snow, alive and waiting for them to come. They didn't. Instead HYDRA got their dirty hands on him, they wiped his memories and turned him into this puppet whose only purpose was to kill whoever they wanted dead. They have taken away everything that made Bucky a good, righteous human being. Steve gave away his life to defeat them - and when he was frozen, they have not only used Bucky, but also undermined everything Howard and Peggy worked for. And if it wasn't for one man who maybe was a liar and who couldn't be fully trusted, but who was good and who has seen more than he should, Steve himself would still be serving HYDRA. Red Skull was probably laughing somewhere in his grave, if he had one.  
It was just so ironic and so painful, he could scream. He knew from the very beginning how imperfect the world is - hell, he knew it better than most. But after what happened he knew that the only people he could trust were here, in this Tower. And he needs to find Bucky. He needs to at least try to make this right.  
Because he knows that until he does, his brain won't stop screaming.

*

He knows who he is.  
His name is James Buchanan Barnes, sergeant, number three two five five seven. He was born on March 10, 1917 and was Steve Rodger's best friend from childhood. They have met in the orphanage and were inseparable ever since until his fall in the Alps in 1944.  
Yes, he knows who he is - exposition at the Smithsonian told him as much and there were pictures and archive footage. He can't deny that, it's his face on those screens. Even though he wants to put his fist through every single one of them.  
Because maybe he knows who he is but he has no memory of it.  
It's good to know, though. It gives some sense of stability, this name. James Barnes. It also gives him a start to his research.  
He sleeps in abandoned buildings and steals clothes from charity centres. He doesn't really need much to survive, for years he lived on necessary minimum during his missions and stayed on ice when he wasn't needed. Now that he knows who he is, he can afford to feel rage on how they used him like a puppet, that they put him in icy closet when he wasn't needed. They manipulated him, took away his memories and changed him into a mindless but very useful monster. And they will pay because they have created a monster who does not forgive. He will rip them apart, one after one, limb from limb until there's no one left. And then he'll be free to feel something else than this burning anger in his veins.  
He starts in the archives, looking through everything there is about Captain America, HYDRA and Howling Commandos. Librarians like him, he's quiet and treats books with respect not many people have. They obviously can't know that when he was young, paper was pricey. He's not sure how he even knows it. It's not a memory, just something that is a part of the natural order of things. Like sky being blue and politics being absolutely rubbish.  
He finds two names: Howard Stark and Peggy Carter.  
Somehow he remembers Howard's face. He killed him. Him and his pretty wife, HYDRA wanted them dead just like they wanted the other man, Fury. Because they both had one thing in common - they got too close to the truth. He doesn't feel any remorse or shame because that was his order and he obeyed. That's what the Soldier was good at. Obeying.  
But Peggy is alive and he decides to pay her a visit.  
He can't go like normal people do so he waits patiently outside until most of the people in her nursing home are asleep. There's only a night guard, retired policeman who is not a match to a man who's been killing people since the forties. He doesn't even notice Sol..no, he doesn't even notice James.  
"I've been waiting for you," says the old woman with very young eyes and smiles at him. He's standing next to her bed and she gestures for him to sit down. "It hurts my neck to look up."  
He's not even sure why he sits in that chair.  
"You're lucky, it's been one of my good days," she continues in a hushed voice, like she knew that he shouldn't be here. Hell, from what he had read, she probably did knew. "What to you want to know, Bucky?".  
He asks questions. About Steve, about war and HYDRA, he asks her to clarify few things for him, like why they have never looked for him after he fell. And she answers in this quiet, warm voice of hers, she tells him about horrors of that war and how they had no time nor funds to organize a search party and how Howard convinced them that Bucky was dead and how Steve broke Stark's nose because he wanted to run and look for his best friend. He told him about Steve sacrificing his own life to defend HYDRA.  
He doesn't tell her that Steve's sacrifice was for nothing because HYDRA has won. Instead he gets up and bends over her, Peggy's eyes are clear and unafraid because what is there an old woman with Alzheimer's could be afraid of anymore? He kisses her forehead tenderly, surprised by this warm feeling in his chest he doesn't even want to start analysing.  
"Thank you," he whispers and disappears in the shadows.  
"Good luck, James," she says to the empty room. "Glad I could help".

*

Tony doesn't know what to think about this man - this strange, long haired man who looks lost and who appeared at Avengers Tower, looking for Steve. Of course Tony knows who he is - every child in America knows about Bucky Barnes, Captain America's best friend who died during the war. Exactly, died. Seventy years ago. And who is currently sitting on Tony's sofa.  
Pepper called Steve and when he didn't answer, she tried Sam who told her with some unholy glee that apparently Cap didn't embrace Starkphone technology. They are en route, ETA 45 minutes - thank SHIELD tech geniuses for quinjets. Tony thinks that now, after the HYDRA fiasco Stark Industries is going to get a lot of them as employees, very thorough background checks of course and preferably candidate interviews with Pepper, Tony or Natasha. Yes, Natasha would make a proper impression. Hill, too - she signed her SI contract two days after helicarriers fell into the river and Stark thoroughly yelled at Steve for being a dumbass and almost dying (Sam was cackling in the corner of a hospital room, declaring his undying love for Tony Stark. When asked to live at the Tower and given new wingset, he actually asked Tony to leave Pepper and marry him instead).  
"She has your photo on a mantelpiece," says Soldier in his raspy, unused voice and startles Stark out of his train of thoughts. Iron Man blinks.  
"Who is 'she'?" he asks because that's the only thing he can think of. Sad, tired man on his couch actually smiles.  
"Peggy."  
"Aunt Peggy Carter? She was a friend of a family, worked with Howard, my father. Your photo was there too, you know. Bucky. She used to tell me stories about you and Cap during the war," Stark sits carefully on an armchair next to the sofa Bucky is occupying. "She doesn't have a lot of family. Niece, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm paying for her care."  
"Howard...I knew your father."  
"I know."  
Soldier straightens and Tony sees his lips turning into a pale, thin line.  
"I think I killed them."  
Silence is so overwhelming Tony can hear Pepper, who is standing next to alcohol bar, breathe in deeply.  
"No, you didn't," she says. Bucky looks at her questioningly, as well as Stark, both clearly astonished. "He did. The Winter Soldier. He was the person who was kept in the cold and who was ordered to kill people, not you. Your name is James Barnes and you woke up from seventy years of sleep while your body was used. But it wasn't you. The sooner you understand this, the better."  
She looks so serene and warm, so good, this Pepper of his, caring and understanding. A good woman. Strong one, too.  
Bucky looks thoughtful and then he stands up in one, fluid movement of a predator, someone who has perfect control of their body and who uses it with deadly efficiency. Natasha moves this way too. And Fury. Stark can actually feel every muscle of his body prepare for sudden movement, to launch himself between Bucky and Pepper and to shield her for as long as he can. Bucky comes closer to her and Pepper doesn't look scared. She smiles warmly. No one smiled at this man for a very long time.  
He takes her small, fragile hand into his: one callused from weapons, the other - metal and cold, and kisses it with reverence. They exchange looks and Tony feels that they don't even care about him being in the same room. There's a bond starting right there, between the two of them - Pepper and Bucky. A bond of understanding and fierce loyalty, protectiveness and care. Avengers are an extended family, really and Pepper is accepting this strange, strange man who was lost for so long and now he starts to remember who he is, as her own. And Pepper protects what is hers, she's just like this. Tony feels slightly sorry for any army jerk who decides that Bucky is a property of US Army - there surely will be one, SI had to actually employ Bruce to make sure he'll be safe - because when they try to come and take James, Pepper will rip them to shreds. Without mercy.  
Of course, this one moment - important one, defining (Tony is an engineer, he understands how important it is to have a groundwork done and this is the very groundwork in Bucky's case, this acceptance and understanding) - is the one Captain America chooses to come barging in.  
"Bucky?"

*

Steve doesn't know what to say. It's not like it's something new, this strange, strange time he ended up in made him speechless most of the time - music, culture,history, it was all so complicated. Language, even. Slang? Something that made him completely confused. But this time it's different because it's his childhood friend sitting on a couch on Steve's floor, stranger with familiar and well known face who doesn't move, only his eyes trace Steve's every movement. But it's not Bucky he remembers because James Buchanan Barnes was a creature of life and light. He was that guy who flirted with little to no effort, who laughed and who was his loyal, faithful companion since that time in orphanage. On his couch sits Winter Soldier. Man created in a lab and programmed to be efficient in killing people, man with this strange metal hand that looked like a piece of another puzzle, forcibly put into Bucky. Man who almost killed him, man who fought for HYDRA.  
But it's also the same man who dragged Steve out of Potomac.  
"I don't even know where to start," he says finally after long minutes of silence. He suspects that Natasha made Stark tell JARVIS to control feed from security cameras, just in case Bucky has a flashback or that he was programmed a trigger that tells him to kill Steve the minute they stay alone in one room.  
Bucky lowers his head and it breaks Steve's heart a little because this gesture doesn't belong to the Soldier - it's his friend in there, the same guy he knew all those years ago.  
It seems like a lifetime. And it really was one.  
"I shouldn't have come," Bucky answers. Steve shakes his head.  
"No, no, it's not that. I just...it's been so long. I was frozen. They made you forget. I mean, where do we get from here? Can we ever be all right again, Buck? I just don't know where to start. But I need you to stay."  
"Why?"  
Bucky's eyes are dark and shining when he looks at Steve. There's a moment of silence because what will be said next is important, Steve knows it. It will define a lot of things. It won't change the world and it won't make things easier of any of them because Soldier killed people and someone will come for him because of it. Natasha has trust issues and Clint won't trust Bucky until Widow does, and Stark is yet to react to vision of living with his parent's killer under the same roof. There's PTSD and there are dreams, they both have them and in those dreams Steve spends seventy years knowing that he's stuck in ice and no one is coming, and Bucky sees his marks' faces. Yes, there are issues. But they can do it, Steve knows it in some light corner deep in his heart.  
"Because even when I had nothing, I had you, Buck. And I don't want that to change."

*

Of course, everything changes.  
James - he prefers this name now, Pepper made sure all the paperwork is settled just like she did for Steve, in eyes of government he's James Barnes, born 1980 in New York. There are records from schools he's never heard of and university (he's a history major), pictures with his family (parents dead in car accident, estranged sister living in Europe - Stark thought it was a nice, although slightly grim touch) and old girlfriends. He's sharing floor with Steve and they wake each other up with their screams. And in those bad nights when darkness is sticky and stuffy, they spar. It's nice, Steve thinks, that he can train with someone like him, someone with whom he doesn't have to hold back. Someone with the same self-punishing streak he has.  
They rarely talk during those spars. At home, sure - they exchange books and watch movies, comment on political news. Darcy tries to make them watch tv shows but when they both fall in love with classic Doctor Who, she decides they are lost causes. But it's fun and Bucky speaks more and sometimes even laughs. Not after those nights, of course, but it's a step in a right direction. And Steve knows, this requires baby steps.  
So they do them. Together, like it should be.

*

It is an essential part of Bucky's return to the world of the living that he would interact with people other than Steve. Captain was slightly worried about some of the reaction from his teammates because just like Bruce put it during that horrible Loki situation - they were a bomb ready to explode and destroy everything. But somehow they survived the initial shock of working together and after some time they built bonds of trust and strange form of friendship. But Bucky is someone with past, a man who has had history with some of them (killed Tony's parents, shot Natasha, almost killed Clint, and don't even get started on the whole situation with Steve and bloody HYDRA). So Steve was worried and James' therapist was rather careful about this contact but while living in the same building, it couldn't be avoided for long.  
Pepper was the easiest. She apparently has some kind of a soft spot for James - maybe being a guinea pig for AIM did that to her. She is the most empathic of them all and had no previous history with Bucky, nor any sympathy to Stark's parent who apparently weren't the greatest at actual parenting. So she takes James with her to Stark Industries sometimes as her bodyguard - not that she needs it, with Jarvis on constant stand by but it made James feel motivated to get up every morning they did it. He had contact with her assistant in the building and other people who were passing and not making a big deal out of his hand. They just passed him by like he wasn't a threat, like he wasn't capable of killing them all. Steve knows that Pepper takes Bucky to lunches and museums, art galleries and libraries. She helps him with connecting to modern world and is his first new friend.  
Equally easy is Darcy, a girl with complete Zen who wasn't really moved by Norse god falling out of the sky so why should she be phased by a supersoldier assassin? She had met Natasha, after all. Darcy decided to educate them both, Steve and Bucky, on popculture. She makes them watch documentaries about things like summer of love and Burning Man festival, watches concerts on DVD with them and made an actual list of five hundred cinematic masterpieces that they just had to see. That last part became the beginning of big Avengers movie nights and Steve was simply relieved. Maybe they weren't all that close with Darcy, but she is friendly and at ease.  
There is no problem with Jane Foster, mainly because she is constantly locked in the lab, working with Stark on creating Midgardian piece of Rainbow Bridge, whatever that is. Steve knows that this was Stark's way of dealing with the whole situation, but he wasn't really hostile and helped James with removing that blasted red star out of his arm so maybe he would be fine with it all.  
Thor was overjoyed, of course. Bucky was wary of the god at first because of the booming voice and most definitely strange customs (like wearing that red cape, God help them all) . But he makes a good companion and great sparing partner so after a while they warmed up to each other. And Thor is happy for every addition to the team, especially ones like James, with whom he could fight at his fullest.  
Strange friendship between Bucky and Bruce stunned Steve. But it made sense - who else than Banner understood better the horror of having a part of themselves that made all those terrible things, part that was hard to control and even harder to come to terms with. The two of them the monster and the killer, bonded over calming tea and yoga in the studio Bruce had on his floor. They talk in strange languages and Bucky taught Bruce Mandarin. It is good, Steve thinks. Very good.  
Sam got over it pretty quickly too. He was wary around James at first because well- he almost got killed by him, but he wasn't a guy to hold a grudge for a long time. They didn't have a lot in common, really, but they are simply civil and this is as good as Steve expected it to be.  
The problem lies with the spy and the archer.  
Natasha isn't a woman to be scared. Scared of, yes, but he rarely saw her frightened. The Hulk made her afraid. Winter Soldier made her twitchy. James Barnes wasn't a foe but she still avoids him and when they were in the same room, Steve had noticed that her muscles are constantly stiff, like she expects to be attacked. That made him sad. But Steve can't do anything about it so he can only wait and see.  
Clint made sure to be around her back. Steve thought that the archer didn't have an opinion, not really - but first and foremost he was Natasha's partner and friend. So he made sure nothing happened.  
And that's what Bucky could understand best.

*

It's scary, going back in the field. There are simply so many things that can go wrong, thinks that he can do wrong that it's getting hard to think, even hard to breathe freely. It was never Bucky doing the killing after that brief period of time during the war in Europe - it was always the Soldier, a persona who get all the blame. He is not Soldier. He would never kill all those people, that thing implemented inside of him did and it's none of his fault. But it still feels as if tempting fate, with that star - now white - on his metal arm and a sniper rifle Natasha hands him. They have been called to deal with an escapee from SHIELD's prison, freed by HYDRA - because of course, nowadays everything that goes wrong in the world is by their doing. But Soldier also is theirs and it scares Bucky more than he can say. And yet when Stark announces that they have a location - middle of Chicago, why can't it be a small town or even better, a middle of nowhere where no civilian would get hurt? It's always a big city and there are always bodies of innocents to bury afterwards - and Steve tells James to suit up, he does. Slowly he dresses himself in Stark-made black suit, similar to what Hawkeye has but without ridiculous colors. One long sleeve, the other non existent to give his arm a free range of movement. He leaves his face clean, no war paint, after all Steve wants him to be recognizable. Bucky doesn't oppose, he simply does what he's told. It's easier this way.  
"If anything happens, if I lose control, one shot in the head, Natasha. Clear one," he whispers tentatively to Widow during short flight in quinjet. Clint, who is standing right next to her, nods slightly and Bucky knows that if Natasha hesitates, Hawkeye will take him out. He knows what it means to be afraid to lose control and turn on his friends, hell, he knows how that feels. It's a different kind of brotherhood, painful and bloody and sealed with that one promise of a bullet between his eyes. Clint knows that if their situation is reversed, James will do it for him. They both hope that others don't ever have to understand it - maybe Bruce does but as he says himself, he's beyond that kind of help. And maybe to others it seems brutal and even primitive but it takes at least that one reason to worry off Bucky's head.  
The guy they are hunting is a sad product of a lab experiment gone wrong - something most of them can relate to - but he wants to hurt people and that's why there will be no mercy to be shown. But it's tricky, getting to him - antimatter his hands are producing makes it almost impossible which is why it's down to three of them - Stark, Hawkeye and Bucky to take him out. Bruce, Natasha and Steve are on the ground, evacuating civilians from buildings surrounding the plaza and helping those who got wounded. They could use Thor's help but the prince is up in Asgard and they don't really have a way to communicate with him. Stark really needs to speed up the process of creating phones that could work in other realms (Bucky knows that sometimes, at four a.m. Tony, Jane and Bruce have whispered brainstorms about it in the kitchen. He pretends he doesn't find it endearing).  
While Stark serves as a distraction (Pepper will murder them if something happens to him, they know), Clint and Bucky come up with a plan to avoid getting one of their bullets or arrows destroyed. After all one person can concentrate on a certain number of things at the time and they are pretty sure that between Stark's talking, his repulsors, Clint's exploding arrows and Bucky's bullets they can make at least one of those things through that creep's defenses.  
And they do.  
The sun shines over rubble and smoke that make center of Chicago look like a war zone. They all meet in the middle, all dusty, slightly bloody (apparently Steve couldn't help himself and crawled through shattered glass to get a five year old to safety) and smile. Simply smile because that's another job well done and Bucky is still Bucky.  
"Good job everyone," Steve says jokingly in his Captain America show voice. "America is proud of you."  
They laugh and it feels like a really beautiful day.

They hear a shot.

Shield hits the ground, splattered with blood.

“ _Oh, that for a moment, a jug be offered_  
 _with crystal water, if only the curse be lifted,_  
 _and that my heart be heart, not wound,_  
 _and that the way even in agony be sacred,_  
 _and that heaven not cover me like earth's lid,_  
 _and even the snow is gone, which will cover me,_  
 _it but gropes to carve voices with tears_  
 _like a shadow, the tired shadow which lost man.”_

**Author's Note:**

> The poem quoted in this story is “Where to?” by Krzysztof Kamil Baczyński, one of my favourite Polish poets, who died in the first days of Warsaw Uprising in 1944.  
> There's a small crossover in the "then" part. I just couldn't help myself ;)
> 
> I feel like I have to explain myself because of that ending. In the first version of the story it was as it is - with that comic book ending (I have a feeling that it may be more than comics thing soon). Then I've changed it and ended with 'all was well' - but during final editing it simply felt wrong to have this beautiful, haunting poem and a simply happy end. We all know that happy endingss don't really happen in MCU.


End file.
